Bros Before Throws

Generally I'm known to write uplifting and encouraging blog posts throughout the year. I get good responses and of course I'm always glad to help those who know less than I as well as those who know more. However, I also like to write minor musings that I come across in the gym. It's nothing we haven't all experienced and had a chuckle or two about, but I figure it will bring a little light humor to someone's day and help me to improve my writing skillz (take that grammar Nazis), but I digress!)

I do a workout called the starting strength 5x5 program. It's based on progressive loading so the earlier weeks of the gym are relatively easy fair; fodder for the kiddies if you will. However, as the weeks progress, so too does the weights you lift. As you can imagine, with me being in week 9 the weights have gotten damn heavy. It really tests you as a man or a woman. As these weights get heavier, I have found that people's behaviors change based on the loads they place on their bodies. You have 4 basic personality types as it relates to lifting heavy weights: The grunter, The Spitter, The Admiral, and The Squirrel!

1. The Grunter Oh the grunter is a force to be reckoned with! He can lift Chevrolets! He can leap tall squat racks in a single bound. He is faster than a thrown 20lb dumbbell. He pushes himself to his absolutely limit and believes that his muscles are not built during rest, but during the actually act of exercise. That is the reason he spends more time lifting than sleeping. You can usually catch them in groups, desperately trying to outgrunt each other while lifting their grandmother's ass on their backs. Nearby women folk serve as amplifiers to this kind of lifter, as they seem to get increasingly louder as the number of women around increase, or if a single woman is directly within a 10 foot radius.
2. The Spitter The Spitters are guys like me. We resist the urge to grunt because we feel that it makes you look like retards and we don't want people to notice how heavy this weight actually is. We're quite humble. Instead of grunting when the weights get heavy, we spit. We never have to wipe down equipment because we're too embarrassed to sweat. However, we do have to wipe down the mirrors. It looks as if niagra falls decided to make sure it's hair was right with it's own reflection. We'll take a drink of water in the middle of the squat, realize the weight is too heavy, and try and spit ourselves through the rep. This results in angry gym management and even more spittle on the mirrors. Which, as stated earlier, we gladly wipe off when we're done.
3. The Admiral The Admiral is a man, or woman, who comes to the gym solely to be seen. Now, they have clearly put in work, but they must go to a magical land away from the gym to work their asses off, then return to the gym to show everyone their magical bodies. They are easy to spot. They walk with high swagger and even high confidence. Their backs are straight and they are constantly looking around everywhere as if they left their phone on the other side of the gym and are trying to determine whether they should go and get it or not. They spend a lot of time looking at themselves in the mirrors. Their only disappointment is that they can't have debaucherous sex with themselves. They generally travel alone, but you'll never find no more than two of them together. They are always of the same sex.
4. The Squirrel The squirrel has the heart. The squirrel has the desire. The squirrel is the beginner. The squirrel will not listen to ANYONE. The squirrel makes all of the mistakes, primarily the most unsafe ones. You see, the squirrel is the one lifting weigh more weights than necessary or leaning on the machines for settings much too high for their level of fitness. They try and try, but their legs and arms are as spaghetti noodles. It's hard to tell a squirrel unless they are on cardio or free weights. They are difficult to spot on machines. You know you are a squirrel if you're trying to do a squat or bench and your arms are doing the "Harlem Shake" every time you lift. So the next time you see one, just know that it's not Parkinsons. It's the squirrel!

The good thing about all these types is that they are who they are. We go to the gym and see different people doing different things. No two people seem to be on the same path. So, we can kill ourselves trying to figure out who is right or who is wrong. Just think of it like this: Go, see the sites, enjoy the show, and leave! Very high entertainment for the small price! Good luck!